Why can’t I poop?!?!?!!?!?

The fearsome assault on my iron stomach has finally yielded results. Six months of darn near perfect health, and I have to get sick right before a 9-day trip.

I’ve been sick for three days. I stopped by the Bureau today to give a sample and . . . nothing. NOTHING!!! Nothing would come out! I have been suffering for DAYS. I have a low-grade fever. And motherfucker, my worst symptom disappears the moment I walk into the Med Unit! WTF!!! I am NOT perfectly healthy, people! I am perfectly MISERABLE.

Packages may arrive tomorrow. w00t!